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When a couple decides that their relationship is no longer sustainable and they separate, they may experience some relief from the stresses and tensions of trying to make a difficult relationship work, but they also enter a new period that has its own set of difficulties and tensions. In this new stage, decisions have to be made, many of them difficult and possibly very contentious, about how they will separate and divide what has been together. All the emotions and pain that have built up as the relationship deteriorated are still present. One or the other or both may be very angry. Communication has broken down and often, at best, is difficult. At the same time, a couple must find a way to communicate and make decisions so that assets can be divided and decisions about custody, guardianship and visitation can be made if they have children under the age of eighteen.
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If you are in this situation, WHAT ARE YOUR OPTIONS?
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- You can try to hold these conversations by yourself. At best this will be difficult. Even where hostility levels are relatively low, pain, confusion, even fear, can make it tough to discuss and negotiate.
- You can ask family members and/or friends for help. Much as these people want to help and be supportive, they often find themselves caught. Their help can be ineffective or even make the situation worse, either because they side with one party or the other, or because they do not want to take sides and are not sure what to do. When they do not have the training and experience to help in situations like this, even their best intentions can make the situation worse.
- You can hire lawyers and have them negotiate for you. If the lawyers you hire are collaborative lawyers, they will do their best to achieve a negotiated settlement that takes seriously the interests of both parties. This can, however, especially if negotiations take some time, become expensive. The one piece you are still missing is to have a neutral third party involved who is there to help the conversations to happen, thereby speeding up the process and ensuring that everyone is heard and understood.
- You can hire lawyers and deal with the issues in court where a judge will make decisions about your life. This approach will normally escalate the hostilities. Often, to get what you think is fair or what you would like, you have to paint the other party in a bad light, thereby adding to the pain and anger that are already present. This approach can be destructive, painful to the couple and their children, and very expensive. Often it leaves both sides very unhappy.
- You can engage the services of a mediator. A mediator is someone who will meet with the two of you (and your lawyers, if you so choose) and help you talk about the issues and your interests in ways that take both sides seriously and help the parties to hear and understand each other above the “noise” of pain and anger. The mediator will not make decisions for you but will help you talk and listen so you can make decisions that the two of you (and your children if they are part of your relationship) have to live with into the future.
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- Mediation can help you avoid what seem to be the almost inevitable escalation of pain and anger when a couple chooses to fight for what they want in the court room. It has the possibility of being more respectful with less of a negative impact on the couple and on their children.
- Mediation is cost-effective.
- Mediation leaves open other options. If a couple can simply not reach resolution in mediation, the court option is still available. The mediation process is “without prejudice” and therefore offers made and concessions granted in mediation are not binding if the process is not successful and the couple needs to resort to the courts.
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If you engage the services of GRASSLANDS MEDIATION we will:
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- Meet separately with each of you in a confidential meeting to:
a) discuss the issues that need addressing
b) outline your interests with regards to each of the issues
c) help you think about the kinds of legal and financial advice you need to get and the information you need to collect to prepare for the mediation.
- Design an agenda that will make the mediation session as productive as possible
- Lead the mediation session(s) and help you work your way through each of the issues that need resolution.
- Write a report outlining the decisions made. This report, after it has been approved by each of the parties, will be forwarded to your lawyers for the drafting of a formal agreement.
- Follow-up as needed till the process is complete.
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In situations where anger and pain have resulted in an almost complete breakdown of communication, the Mediator can take messages back and forth between the parties as you prepare for mediation and as matters are wrapped up after the meditation.
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Do we still need a lawyer?
The short answer is “YES”.
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- It is important to get good legal advice during the mediation process. The more good advice and information you have, the more productive the mediation session and the fewer the changes that have to be made once a report is sent to the lawyers.
- You will need a lawyer to draft the separation agreement and file it with the courts.
- In Saskatchewan, for a separation agreement to be legal and binding on the parties, you each need to have had independent legal advice. This is to ensure that separation agreements are fair in the eyes of the law and that one party has not taken advantage of the other.
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What does it cost and who pays the bill?
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- The cost of a mediator is $100/hour. This is for all preparation, phone calls, individual interviews, mediation sessions, report writing, and follow-up.
- Normally the cost is split equally between the two parties.
- Each party will be asked to pay a retainer in the amount of $500 (for a total of $1,000) when they engage the services of Grasslands Mediation. This will pay for ten (10) hours of the mediator’s time. If less time is required, the balance will be refunded. If more time is required, additional retainers will have to be paid as we proceed.
- It is impossible to determine ahead of time what the total cost will be. This depends on the issues that need to be resolved and on how well the parties are able to come to agreement on issues.
- At Grasslands Mediation we are committed to be accountable to you for how your money is spent and an outline of what has been charged to your account is available upon request.
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What if I still have questions?
Call us at Grasslands Mediation for a free, no-obligation, confidential conversation about your situation and whether we can be of service to you during this very difficult time.
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